I have stopped and started this post more times than I care to mention.... Sometimes I seem to write the perfect post in my head but when it comes to writing it down it never seems to be the same.
I didn't know where to start, so I am starting from the beginning....
I am so blessed to have 4 beautiful daughters. I had my first daughter aged 19, my second at 21 and 3rd at 25.. These pregnancies where beautiful I loved being pregnant and my labours were really good.
To say it was a shock when I found out I was pregnant again when my 3rd child was 4 months old, was an understatement !! However I loved the thought of having another child so close together.. however a month into the pregnancy I started bleeding, this bleeding persisted and ended up clotting in my womb it almost looked as though I was having twins.. the clot grew and at times was double the size of this tiny baby ..
I knew that this pregnancy was 50/50 , that was tough I needed rest but with 3 young children it was hard.. I spent a lot of time in hospital , we did find out that this tiny baby was a boy :) we couldn't be happier..
My joy soon to despair and heartbreak as i went into premature labour at 26 weeks my baby boy was stillborn , perfect in every way weighing 1lb..
The months after loosing my son were a blur and I am not sure how I got through it, but I knew I had to my girls needed me and I needed them .
In 2010 almost 2 years after my tragic loss, I conceived again, this time though there was no joy only possibilities of the unknown , how could i love another little being growing inside of me not knowing what the outcome could be ??
The bleeding started not long into the pregnancy, only this time it was worse, I was devastated, scans showed that i had once again clotting in my womb, I was giving the option of aborting the pregnancy .. I refused, deep inside I knew that this would be the last time..
Somehow I managed to get to 30weeks, and then 34 weeks, my water broke I was admitted to hospital I had steroid injections to help this tiny baby just before 35 weeks my contractions started, I ended up having an emergency c-section ....
My tiny baby girl was born healthy at 4lbs, we celebrated her 3rd birthday last Friday.
Something happened to my body during these last 2 pregnancies, my periods became heavy, longer and painful.. I made the decision to be sterilized, knowing i would never want to go through another pregnancy, I just couldn't cope with the mental torture of the uncertainty..
I also had another procedure, Endometrial ablation to help with the heavy bleeding, which was successful but after the bleeding stopped I developed constant pain, almost like "after birth" pains almost everyday..
Fast forward to today, tomorrow I am having an Hysterectomy, as I am left with no other option.. My Consultant thinks I am a little young to be having this procedure, but the pain is too much. I am so lucky to have my girls especially the youngest , for me my family is complete as it can be.. Always in my heart I will know that I should have a 5 year old boy running round but he will forever be in my heart..
The next 6-7 weeks are going to be hard as I recovery from my operation, but for my own health and quality of life I know that I am making the right decision.
I hope that my story will help other mommys, who may be going through a similar situation ..
If you have any comments or questions please ask or email me ..
Thank you for reading